


meet me in the afterglow

by bestthreemonths



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-03 18:54:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20457824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestthreemonths/pseuds/bestthreemonths
Summary: fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves





	meet me in the afterglow

A flash of light catches Alex’s eye as she settles into her favorite lounge chair beside her pool. She smiles when she sees the source—the sun reflecting off her engagement ring, still new enough to take her by surprise from time to time. It barely takes half of a FaceTime ring for Kelley to pick up. She’s freshly showered, but looks tired from practice.

“Hi beautiful,” Alex says, grinning into the camera. “I can almost smell your shampoo just looking at you.”

Kelley laughs. “And I can almost smell your red wine.”

“How’d you know?” Alex lifts up the stemless plastic glass beside her.

“That’s my girl.”

“How was practice?”

“Um, good,” Kelley says, chewing her lip in a way that confirms Alex’s suspicions that Kelley’s request to FaceTime is more than their usual end-of-day wind-down.

Time zones are just one of the many frustrations about a chronically long-distance relationship, but the two hours separating Orlando and Salt Lake City feel even more pronounced after coming back from their first stint on the same club team, having spent the offseason in England.

She’s been hoping for this call for a while, the one that would inevitably come after they both spoke to their coaches about their desire to finally be in the same place, permanently. But earlier in the week her coach had alluded to “future plans” for the club, giving Alex a knowing look. Neither she nor Kelley had any expectations of a quick solution, and it has been a trying season of waiting, but this is it, she’s almost sure of it.

“So, I met with Laura and Steph after practice. They wanted to talk about my, uh, request.”

Alex tries to stop the smile that threatens to spread across her face. Kelley looks like she’s doing the same thing. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Kelley says. “We had come to a sort of understanding that they would run any deal by me. Out of respect, you know.”

“Right, so…” Alex urges her on, not being able to contain her excitement any longer.

“So they told me they came to a deal with Orlando and Washington where I would go to Orlando along with like, a draft pick or something, and they’d send Katie and Colleen to Washington and Orlando would send some draft picks and an international spot to Washington, and Washington would give us Mallory.”

All the ins and outs are making Alex dizzy. She knows Mallory, their USWNT teammate, and she knows she’s heard the other names before, but all she hears is what she’s been waiting for: Kelley’s coming to Orlando. They can be together. Finally.

“Oh my God!” Alex shrieks.

“Wait,” Kelley says. “I had to tell you, but--” she pauses, taking a breath. “I told them no.”

“What?” Alex’s vision goes black. She’s sure Kelley didn’t just say what she thinks.

“Al, I—”

“What do you mean?” Alex asks. She’s having trouble finding her breath.

“Colleen and Katie are making the league minimum,” Kelley sighs. “They both have part-time jobs. Colleen’s family is here, her dad is sick. If she gets traded to Washington, she’ll retire. She’s 22, Alex.”

“So?”

“So I can’t do that to them, Al. Colleen could be really fucking good. She could get called up to the national team before long if she just has the right infrastructure beneath her. Katie is like 28 and for the first time she’s living in an actual apartment and not in a basement in some host family’s house. All of that goes away if they go to Washington.”

“That’s not your business!” Alex exclaims.

“It is,” Kelley sighs. “None of this would happen if it weren’t for me requesting a trade.”

“People do it all the time. Christen literally—”

“Of course, baby,” Kelley says. “But this doesn’t feel right. Imagine if you were some rookie who just got settled, with no national team prospects to speak of yet, and some asshole who wants to move teams to be with her girlfriend uproots your whole life?”

“Wife,” Alex says icily. “We’re getting married, Kel. This isn’t some frivolous thing.”

“And that’s why I’m not taking this lightly!” Kelley exclaims. “We’ve always said it’ll happen when it’s right, and this isn’t right.”

“We said it would happen at the right time,” Alex corrects her. “We weren’t going to rush it or make any crazy decisions that we’d regret. Whether or not we’d accept the trade was never a question!”

“Of course it is,” Kelley scoffs. “They came to me out of respect for me and what I’ve done for the team. I’m the captain.”

“Co-captain.”

Kelley rolls her eyes. “Okay. You know, why don’t we just hang up and cool off?” she suggests. “You’re mad.”

“What tipped you off?”

“You’re not listening to me.”

“You just told them no?” Alex asks, the floodgates finally opening. “Not even, ‘let me talk to Alex,’ or ‘let me sleep on it.’ You just said no. Like my opinion doesn’t matter in this at all.”

Kelley is silent.

“That wasn’t rhetorical.”

“Of course your opinion matters,” Kelley says. “Always. I don’t want you to be upset, but I couldn’t do it without feeling like a complete jackass.”

“So I’m a jackass for wanting to live in the same place as my wife?”

“Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what? Be a jackass?”

“Well you’re acting like one right now!”

“I literally can’t believe this is happening,” Alex says, as much to herself as to Kelley. “I don’t get it. What was the point of any of this? All those conversations in London about finally being together? I don’t understand why you aren’t more upset about this. I feel like—” Her voice breaks. “Why don’t you care about being with me?”

“Sweetheart, of course I care,” Kelley sighs, her face pained. “This is the last thing I wanted to happen.”

“Then say yes!” Alex cries, pearls of tears tumbling from her eyes and staining her cheeks. “Tell them you change your mind, that you’ll take it. Please.”

“Alex—”

“Please!”

“I can’t,” Kelley says. “I know it’ll happen eventually. You’ll come here or I’ll go there, and we’ll be together. When the time is right, baby. We’ve done this for over a decade. Another season isn’t going to kill us.”

“I don’t even know who you are right now,” Alex says. “We’ve talked about this endless times. You’ve said you’d do anything. Why did they even ask you? They should have just—” She hiccups, her breaths coming in spurts.

“If I thought we wouldn’t survive another season of long distance, I’d do whatever,” Kelley says. “But these are people’s real lives. No matter what happens, you and I are forever. We’re getting married next year, the season is over in like 2 months and we’ll be together then. When all of this soccer stuff is over, we’ll be together so much we’ll be sick of each other. I’m not going to rush this and fuck up people’s lives. Especially people I care about.”

“I just wish you cared about me as much as you care about them.” Alex knows it’s a step too far as soon as the words leave her mouth, but she doesn’t care. Her gloves are off. She wants Kelley to hurt. She wants Kelley to feel how her heart is breaking right now. 

“I’m sorry,” Kelley says weakly. Alex knows she’s purposefully ignoring her last comment. She wishes she wouldn’t. She wishes she would just engage. Just scream and yell and cry. But her temper is even when she wants it to be, and Alex has never felt so alone.

“I’m going to bed.”

“Alex—”

“I can’t talk anymore. My head hurts and I’m mad and sad and if I say anything else I’m going to regret it.”

“So you haven’t said anything you regret so far?” Kelley mumbles, but not subtly enough for Alex to miss it. She’s pretty sure she wasn’t supposed to.

“Good night.”

“I lo—”

Alex hangs up before she can hear the rest.

———

_this ultraviolet morning light below tells me this love is worth the fight, i lived like an island, punished you with silence, went off like sirens, just crying_

———

Alex wakes up with a pounding head despite not finishing her one glass of wine. Apparently crying yourself to sleep has the same effect.

She glances at her phone to see the time. It’s 8 a.m., 6 where Kelley is. It’s impossible not to read the time like that anymore. Local time and Kelley time. She has two texts from Kelley, but the idea of reading them makes her head hurt even worse. Instead she plugs the phone into the charger next to her bed and meanders into the kitchen to make coffee.

Mindlessly, she twirls her engagement ring around her finger before catching herself and stopping abruptly, as if Kelley knows every time she touches it.

She can feel her heart pounding as she goes back over their conversation the night before. She said no. To what could possibly be their only chance to be together before they both retire. How Kelley couldn’t see how hurtful that is baffles Alex.

She lets herself entertain the idea that maybe Kelley’s texts say that she had a change of heart, that she’s going to be on her way to Orlando in a few days as soon as she’s able to pack her things, but she knows they don’t. She knows she’s not.

She takes her coffee (with oat milk and hazelnut syrup because she deserves it) back to her room to face the music. The first text from Kelley says “I’m sorry. I knew you’d be upset but that’s the last thing I want.” The second, sent an hour later when Kelley had apparently given up on waiting for a reply, says. “Sleep tight, I love you.”

Alex wants to throw her phone at the wall or the ceiling or out the window or into the pool. Years ago, she probably would have. But what makes her angriest is that Kelley’s telling the truth. She does everything she can not to make Alex sad or mad or hurt, and Alex repays her how? By yelling and hanging up without saying ‘I love you’ and ignoring her all night.

Secluding herself like that wasn’t an option in London. Alex is the best version of herself when she’s with Kelley. Kelley is the best version of herself all the time as far as Alex is concerned. Well, minus the time they broke up when Kelley was a freshman in college and Allie told Kelley about a boy Alex was hooking up with.

Begrudgingly, Alex hits the call button on the screen. It’s 6:15 now, but she has a feeling—

“Hi,” Kelley says, sleep lacing her voice.

“Hey.”

“How did you sleep?”

“Like shit.”

“Me too.”

“I love you.”

“I know,” Kelley says.

“Sorry I didn’t say that last night.”

“Yeah,” Kelley says. “I did the math. It’s been 9 years, 3 months, and 1 day since last time since we didn’t say it before going to sleep.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

“Are you doubting my math skills?”

“I would never.”

“Good,” Kelley laughs. Alex can hear the familiar rustle that means Kelley is rolling over in bed to get comfortable. “I love you too.”

“I know.”

“Do you?”

Alex sighs, blinking back the tears. “I do,” she says. “I’m sorry.”

“Wait, hold on,” Kelley says. “You… there must be something wrong with the phone line. It sounded like you just… apologized.”

Alex rolls her eyes. “Shut up.”

“Oh that sounds more like my fiancée.”

Alex glances down at her ring, choking back tears. “I’m really sad.”

“I know.”

“I want to be with you,” Alex says. “It was such a tease being together in London. And now you’re so far and it’s so hard. And I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard right now, we’ve been doing it for so long. But I miss you. And I want to wake up to you every day and walk with you to get coffee and finally adopt a dog together.”

“Me too,” Kelley says softly.

“Why do you have to have such a good heart?” Alex whines. “Why can’t you be selfish just once in your life?”

“Baby,” Kelley sighs.

“I know,” Alex says. “You don’t have to explain it again. You’re right.”

“Okay, now I’m sure you’ve been replaced by body snatchers.”

“I’m not happy about it,” Alex says. “I’m probably going to be mad at you for a while.”

“Like, Edible Arrangement mad or trip to Cabo mad?”

“I wouldn’t say no to both.”

“Noted.”

“I’m hurt that you didn’t ask me before making such a big decision.”

“What would you have done if I had come to you and told you I was leaning toward saying no?”

“Tried to talk you out of it.” Alex can hear Kelley smile. “So? If I had told you to stay, you would have thought I didn’t want you here.”

“Is that what you think?” Kelley asks. “That I don’t want to be with you? Like physically?”

“Honestly, I don’t know,” Alex says. “We’ve done this for so long I was scared before we went to London.”

“I know,” Kelley laughs. “You said we’d either break up or be engaged by the end of it.”

“I’m glad we chose the second option.”

“Me too.”

“I don’t know,” Alex says. “To me it was perfect. I didn’t—if you’re second guessing coming to Orlando, I was just worried you didn’t think it was as perfect as I did.”

“Being with you in London was unbelievable,” Kelley says. “My 13-year-old dream come true. Hell, my 27-year-old dream come true. And I know wherever we end up in the long run, we’ll be together. And I can’t wait till you’re burning pancakes so we have to open all the windows and then go to breakfast at the bagel place down the street again. But I will wait for as long as I have to, because that’s what I want.”

Alex is quiet. “But we don’t have to wait.”

“We do,” Kelley says. “I love this love with you. I love this life. We’ve had our moments, but it’s… I don’t know, it’s like, pure. I would do anything for you. And I know you’d do anything for me. But we aren’t the only two people in the world, as much as it feels that way sometimes. And how great that would be. It’s just not reality.”

“I hate this,” Alex says. “I hate how I wouldn’t love you this much if you were even the slightest bit more selfish. It’s infuriating.”

“I am selfish,” Kelley insists. “If I had it my way, we’d both quit our jobs and run away together and live on some isolated island.”

“Okay, I’m down,” Alex says, smirking. “When do we leave?”

“Say the word,” Kelley replies. “I’m serious, Al. There’s nothing I want more than to be with you and only you forever. But when that time comes, it will feel right. There won’t be a pull at my heart saying this is the wrong move. Distance is hard, but of all people, we know how to do it. I get to see you at least twice a month during the season, we spend the offseasons together, I won’t go on a weekend trip without you.”

“Colleen can’t take care of her dad from Washington,” Alex says. “I know.”

“It’ll all be worth it,” Kelley promises. “When we have our home and our dogs and I’m coaching for Stanford and you’re my cute trophy wife.”

“And having a sordid affair with my tennis instructor at the country club.”

“Yes, exactly.” Alex can hear the eyeroll in Kelley’s voice and cant help but laugh.

“You could have just not told me, you know.”

Kelley barks out a laugh. “Okay you’re not getting me there.”

“Sorry for being a psycho.”

“I knew what I was getting into when we started.”

“Hey.”

“You said it!”

“I’ll have you know I’ve gotten much more unhinged in old age.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

———

_tell me that you're still mine, tell me that we'll be just fine even when I lose my mind; tell me that it's not my fault, tell me that I'm all you want even when I break your heart_


End file.
